I Am Not Upset
by Vaenarys
Summary: Kirk tries to get his mind off a certain green-blooded, pointy eared First Officer without much success. As Spock walks in on him and one of his 'distractions' Jim is certain that something is wrong with the target of his desires and confronts him about it. Rated M for a (very sexual) reason. Reviews highly appreciated.


He did not remember how exactly he ended up here, everything was kind of a blur due to the speed in which it had happened. Although he had to admit that he had actually intended to let this day end in his bed with some alien girl, distracting himself from some rather disturbing thoughts about a certain pointy-eared first officer, but he had not imagined being back from the bar in under one hour, a young Kroulan woman clinging to his arm. A species which apparently had a huge desire for sex in a particular time of the year in which Jim just happened to stumble upon one. The Enterprise had only been back to Earth for about half a day, staying until the end of the week for a reparation and a fill-up of supplies. Jim was glad to say the least, he would not have been able to spend one more day on that ship, constantly under the eyes of Spock and with his own eyes on him whenever his First Officer wasn't looking.

Jim had noticed some time ago that his thoughts on the Half-Vulcan had changed from friendship to something more, something deeper. At first he had been horrified by those thoughts, enraged at the chills the (VERY MALE! For Gods sake!) Vulcan send down his spine every time their eyes met. He had blamed the lack of ... relief he got when commanding the Enterprise on longer missions. He had blamed his libido and his reluctance of sleeping with any female being from his crew, but then, and oh how he had hated the moment the realization had hit him, he had to admit to himself that his want for the other man was not due to his own lack of sexual activity but because of how close the two of them had grown over the past months. Trusting the other with his live had been the beginning and now he was trusting him with his heart as well and this was genuinely terrifying him. He had never felt, had never cared, so deeply for anyone. Every time someone had told him they loved him he had joked about it, brushed it off, but now it was him who was feeling and he had not been able to brush that away so easily. Up until now the thought of Spock was accompanied by some kind of sadness most of the time because he desired something he had never expected to want from anyone before, from someone who was probably not even capable of giving it to him.

So, the week off was a welcomed change to the routine on the U.S.S. Enterprise and the thoughts about a life of... potential commitment. He had finished his reports as fast as possible that day and was now going to have some fun, or at least he was trying to. Coming back to the topic at hand he was inwardly grinning that he was still able to charm about any woman into hopping into his bed. Except for Uhura naturally who, though not in a relationship with his First Officer any more, still seemed immune to about any kind of flirtation he had thrown her way. Mostly jokingly because of obvious reasons and, Jim flinched slightly at the thought of it, that he was pretty sure that Spock would kick his ass, whether or not Uhura and he were still a couple, if he had actually meant any of that. He fought the urge to raise a hand to his throat were his First had once almost choked him to death with his Vulcan strength. Jim remembered it very vividly, the heat of those hands had almost been the last thing he would have ever felt if Spock hadn't been stopped before things got dangerous. Although there probably were worse ways to die than by someone using his soft and hot hands to choke him. Jim figured that he had always been fond of heat. Suddenly he felt someone nip at his neck and realized with a start that the temperature of Spocks hands probably were the last thing he should be thinking about in a situation meant to be distracting him from the former mentioned Half-Vulcan.

Her skin wasn't hot, though she was, obviously. And she wasn't soft to the touch like most of the other girls he had bedded up to this day. Her skin felt leathery, it distantly reminded him of that of a snake, but he didn't mind to much and worshipped her skin with wet kisses. He heard her giggle at that and he was about to reach for the button of her trousers (shirts had been disgarded what felt like an eternity ago), as he heard the door to his room open with a swish. He hadn't locked it? Dammit. "Captain." An all to familiar voice spoke up and Jim paused and straightened his back immediately. He turned his head to the side to face his First Officer, who was clearly not paying attention to what was going on for he had his gaze fixed on the PADD in his hands. "I checked the supplies-list for next week and need your authorization to-" Spock stopped mid-sentence and Jim inhaled sharply as their eyes met. Spocks gaze slipped to the girl for a second but switched back to his captain in an instant. "Clearly, I am interrupting an intimate moment." Spocks hands sunk to his sides and his back straightened a little bit more than normal, his jaw clenched barely noticeable while the hand still holding the PADD clung to it a little harder than necessary. Jim was amazed by his own ability to observe all of those little things before Spock shook him out of his awe. "Apologies." After that statement his First turned and left the room again, almost seeming to be in a hurry. Spock never hurried if it wasn't for live-threatening situations. Something was off.

Jim sprung up, about to follow his First Officer and yelled. "Spock, wait!" But the door already swished shut again. He put a hand on his face rubbing the bridge of his nose before helplessly looking down at the young woman lying on the bed. She grinned at him, showing her perfect aligned teeth. "Wow, he was handsome!" Jim clenched his fists at that, fighting down a stupid wave of jealousy. "A Vulcan, was he?" She pulled herself up, rested on her elbows and added in a suggestive tone. "How about inviting him back in?" Jim felt sick the moment those words dropped of her tongue and he let his gaze drop to the ground, spotting her Shirt while doing so. "You should go now." He said and picked the cloth up before throwing it at her and leaving the room in a hurry as well. "What?!" He heard her exasperated shout but couldn't get himself to care. As he stepped into the hallway he looked around, hoping that his First was still close. He spotted him before he could vanish around a corner into another hallway which, Jim knew for a fact, led to the Half-Vulcans room. "Spock!" The other didn't stop his walking but by the way his body tensed before he turned around the corner Jim knew that he had heard him. Jim quickened his steps to catch up to him.

He was able to reach Spock as he was entered his own room and managed to slip through the open door before the other was able to close and probably lock it. "What are you doing?" Spock asked calmly, and anyone besides Jim probably would have missed the flicker of anger in his eyes. "You tell me." He said between breaths as the door behind him swished shut, bare chest heaving. Spocks eyes darted down for a moment before fixing his gaze on Jims eyes again. He raised an eyebrow, "I figured that, due to your current involvement with that Kroulan woman you would appreciate some privacy." Jim frowned lightly as Spock turned to his desk to put the PADD down, a normal gesture, except Spock never shied away from a staring contest as he had just now. "Although, I must notice that if you wished for privacy, not locking the door was highly illogical of you." Spocks hand rested lightly upon the desk, trembling as if struggling with a task as easy as that. Jim crossed his arms in front of his chest only now noticing that he was still half-naked. "Yeah well, never heard of knocking?" He saw as the other closed his eyes for a moment, before opening them again and turning to face his captain, hands now behind his back, expression unreadable as ever. "I think I am in need to remind you that the doors of this facility are designed with a mechanism that-" Jim rolled his eyes and interrupted the other at that point. "They have a doorbell. Yes I know that." He sighed and raised his eyebrows at the other. "And yet you didn't use it."

The Half-Vulcan closed his mouth which still was slightly open from his previous statement and Jim watched in confusion as Spock began to bite the inside of his lower lip, barely noticeable but still there. Why was Spock this upset? Jim knew that the Half-Vulcan was probably not very comfortable with sex, but being this worked up about it seemed ...illogical. "Stop that." He said leaning against the wall near the door, not planning to go anywhere before he figured out what exactly was wrong with his First Officer. Spock pretty much snapped out of his thoughts and looked at his Captain, faked confusion on his face. "Please clarify that statement." Jim almost threw his hands into the air wit frustration. "Oh come on! I meant stop biting your lip." Spock raised one eyebrow at that and answered. "I am not biting my lip." This was getting ridiculous. "Well yes, not any more." Jim raised one hand to his face for the second time that half hour and rubbed it in sheer irritation. "Listen, whatever is wrong with you today. Tell me now 'cuz I am not willing to have this affect our..." Relationship? "...work."

Spock lowered his eyes before taking a few steps into the room, clearly wanting to look like he was strolling around casually, but Jim knew exactly that the other currently had no idea what to do with himself. "Nothing is 'wrong with me' as you put it. I am completely capable of working." Jim now followed him and reached for Spocks wrist, clasping his hand around it, feeling the warmth of him before a hot jolt ran through his body. He let go in an instant, feeling like he had been burned and only now he remembered that physical contact made the other man uncomfortable. Before being able to apologize he was slammed into one of Spocks shelves by a hard push. He hit his head hard and hissed in pain, feeling the cold metal of the shelf sting on his back. "What the hell?!" He straightened, wiped his lip and saw the stain of blood this action left on the back of his hand. He had bitten it by accident. Now he was seriously pissed! Not only had Spock stopped him from getting laid, now he was just shoving him around. This day couldn't get any worse!

But as he looked up again, facing Spock who looked completely furious, Jim considered to rethink that last statement. To feel fear at this point would have been only logical, but Jim had never been known for acting very logical. However looking at the facial expression of his First Officer a deep concern rose in him and overtook the anger from before. "Don't touch me." Spock growled in a deep voice and Jim swallowed hard. He had seen this kind of emotion on the others face before and the last time he was exposed to Vulcan wrath there had been Spocks father around to prevent Jim from being strangled. Now? Not so much. "Spock. Calm down." He extended one hand in a defensive gesture. "Look, I'm sorry. I didn't know that walking in on sex would upset you this much." That statement made the other move closer, his expression changing lightly into something else, his brows furrowing. "I am not upset." Jim assumed that Spock had meant to state this like a fact but to him it sounded more like a threat. "Yeah sure." Jim murmured and Spock smashed his left hand into the shelf behind Jim, bending its door with his strength alone. "I. Am. Not. Upset." Jim heard the creaking of the material beside him and was pretty sure the piece of furniture had a different story to tell. They stared right into each others eyes and Jim was absorbed into Spocks immense gaze. Jims own hand was now hovering only barely above the Half-Vulcans chest.

"The mere fact that you are continuing your quest of having intercourse with at least one female of every species known to Starfleet is disturbing, but not of my concern." Spocks voice was low as his other hand found its way to rest beside Jims head, trapping him between his arms. "There is no logic in me being in any way affected by the decisions of your personal live." He paused, his intense stare faltering, letting something like sadness shimmer in his eyes for only a second before it returned to anger. Jim caught it anyway. "But still-" Spock continued and Jim suddenly realized what was wrong with him. "You are." Jim interrupted and unconsciously lowered his hand to the chest of his First Officer, feeling the heat radiating from him and even noticing the frantic heartbeat from under the fabric. "I am." Spock confirmed and Jim saw Spock biting his lip openly this time, struggling with his emotions, considering to shut them out again. "Don't." He heard himself say, only fully realizing he had when he saw Spock stopped biting. Jim licked his own lips, tasting the blood that was still there, while returning his attention to the others eyes. Spock followed the motion of his tongue before also seeking the eyes of his Captain again. His grip on the shelf tightened further and Jim heard the protesting sounds of the metal again. Jim raised his left hand, the one that wasn't lying on top of Spocks chest, but once he did it he was not exactly sure what to do with it now. Spock had been watching, struggling to keep his face blank from emotion, but then he moved as well and if it hadn't been his First Officer standing in front of him Jim would probably have entitled the movement as hesitantly. Spock released the shelf from the death grip of his right hand to move it to hover near Jims raised hand.

Jims gaze flickered to the others face, searching for something, anything, to understand what was happening right now, but the others attention was fixed on their hands. He was staring at them like they were the only thing in the world that mattered. For some time they both didn't move at all and Jim didn't even dare to do as much as breath. Very slowly Spock began to extend his index and middle finger and before he knew what he was doing Jim did the same, mimicking his friend with his left hand. He heard Spock exhale very lowly and Jim saw something flicker in those eyes again before the Half-Vulcan closed them. Jim was sure that the other was about to draw back any time now and he didn't want to let that happen, so he grabbed the others hand, thereby touching his fingers delicately against the others fingertips. Spocks eyes shot open again, a sharp inhale accompanying the intense gaze he directed at Jim, who felt the hot jolt from before again, but this time it didn't feel uncomfortable at all, but still overwhelmingly warm. A tingling sensation went through his body and suddenly all he felt was want. He felt the other answering his touch, pressing his fingers against Jim on his own, breath shuddering while he did so.

This little sound let something inside of Jim snap and launch forward. He crashed his lips to the others while intertwining their fingers in one swift movement. Spock froze, his eyes wide with surprise by the action and the shock of pleasure rushing through him. His blood was boiling hot in an instant and he grabbed Jim by his shoulder with his free hand, lifted him away from the shelf behind him and crashed him into the wall next to it. Jim groaned at the pain of his head hitting the wall and Spock deepened their kiss, tongue sliding into Jims mouth. They both tasted the blood from Jims lip and somehow it made the kiss even more thrilling. They fought for dominance, but it took only a few seconds for both of them to realize that Jim was clearly loosing. "W-wait-" Jim exclaimed breathlessly, turning his head slightly to the side in order to breath, his body suddenly remembering his need for oxygen. Spock growled dangerously at the loss of Jims mouth. Pressing his body against the other, hand still in touch with Jims, the other clawing into the bare chest of his captain, his mind clouded with want. Jim was still panting and trying to wrap his head around the situation and the overwhelming feeling of arousal he was sure never to have experienced before. Clearly, Spock was not willing to let him gather his thoughts, for he now began kissing the side of Jims neck.

Jim took a deep breath and a little noise of want escaped him. He could have sworn he felt the others lips curl into a small smile before Spock froze again, staring at something on Jims neck. Jim wanted to protest at the loss of contact but a cold shiver ran down his spine as he remembered that the marks of his first sexual encounter of today must still be clearly visible on his neck. He felt Spock tensing and another deep tone rose from the others throat, it sounded like an oppressed roar and Jim realized that this was probably Spocks way of expressing jealousy. Shivering at the thought, he was about to apologize again, wanted to say that this girl had meant nothing to him. He was even willing to reveal that he had wanted this for some time now, but the other gave him no chance to do so. Spock was moving again. He was hovering his mouth directly over one of the hickies before biting down. Hard. "Spock!" Jim gasped in pain and want, as hips bucked into the other, this action making them both hiss at the friction between their evident arousals. Spock continued to bite down on every single dark bruise on Jims neck, every time earning another gasp and moan from his captain.

Jim turned his head and Spock raised his own so their eyes met again and it took every bit of self control Jim had to not come then and there at the look that the other gave him. A look of pure lust and possessiveness, he had never seen it on anyone before and Spock looking at him in that manner made him ache for him even more, ache for the other to understand that this meant something to him. The one of Spocks hot hands that had been clinging on Jims chest was now moving again until it was resting on the back of Jims head, brushing through his hair. Jim inhaled sharply as he saw the determination in the others eyes and Spock brought their foreheads together in an action of affection. The hand intertwined with Jims pressing their index and middle fingers together again, pleasure radiating from them constantly. "Mine." He breathed so lowly Jim almost missed it. He paused as he understood the meaning behind those words to the fullest but instead of feeling scared by them he felt happy. Spocks other hand was wandering again to rest on Jims face, lingering there as he searched Jims gaze, silently asking for permission to meld their minds, but clearly only barely able to restrain from simply taking it. "Do it." Jim whispered the moment he understood, moving his free arm around the others waist, bringing them even closer together.

Spock positioned his hand on Jims face and whispered absently "Two bodies, one mind." in a very low and, Jim noticed with a warm feeling, very loving voice. With a last glance into the others eyes he linked them together and suddenly there was nothing but warmth and want and love. Images of memories flashed before his eyes, showing him the thoughts and feelings of the other. Jim saw, no... experienced, the moment Spock had realised his feelings. He felt how his first officer had buried them deep inside his own mind, not able to act on them, not allowed to do so. He felt Spocks fear for Jims life as he saw moments of danger he had himself experienced, situations he had been hurt and some he had almost died. Jim wanted to let the other see his own feelings as well, to let the other feel all of the things Jim had on his mind when he thought about him and then he heard the others voice from within his own mind. "I can feel it." He felt goosebumps on his skin as the strong emotions of Spock embraced him. Desperation began to rise inside him for the other to truly understand what he meant by those thoughts. "I love you." He whispered finally, breathing deeply. He felt like he had just revealed a secret that was never to be spoken of.

Spock began to retreat and suddenly Jim felt empty. The images faded and all that was left to look at was Spock staring into his eyes, Spocks own were slightly widened with surprise, but also glazed with another, deeper, emotion. Jim began to understand that the other must be allowing him to see it, for it normally was very hard to read anything besides anger in the Half-Vulcan. Then he spoke, voice deep and pupils dilated. "I do not know if I am truly capable of 'love' as you experience it, though I think that my human side is making it easier for me to understand what you are saying." He moved his warm hand to brush against Jims cheek before he continued in a plea. "Understand that, even if I cannot give the answer a human would expect at this moment, the following is the greatest confession a Vulcan can make to another being." Spock was tilting his head to align their lips and whispered "I am committing myself to you."

Their lips touched in an almost chaste kiss and Jim felt like he was at the centre of a tornado, silence surrounding him while a storm of emotion evoked from both of them. Quickly they deepened the kiss again, this time not fighting each other for dominance but exploring, while drawing as close as they could get to one another. Jim slid a leg between the Vulcans and heard a groan as he ground against Spock. He released his hand from the others and reached for the collar of Spocks shirt, tucking at it while sliding another hand beneath it and was greeted by the hot feeling of the Half-Vulcans skin. Spock let out a gasp as Jim brushed one of his nipples and moved his own hands quickly to discard his shirt. Instead of making the effort to break the kiss and remove the shirt over his head, Spock grabbed hold of the collar as well and Jim heard a tearing sound as the shirt was ripped by the strength of the other and the shreds were thrown to the ground, leaving Spock as bare-chested as Jim was.

Jims heart skipped a beat and he felt his arousal twitch at this action of Spock. "That was hot." He said between quick kisses and felt the others lips twitch upward into a small smile before he slid a hand between them to open Jims trousers. Jim leaned his head back against the wall not caring if the Half-Vulcan would rip his trousers as well. They were soon lying on the floor, as well as Jims underwear and Jim stepped out of them, after all relieved that he would not have to walk back to his room naked. His own fingers, which were still roaming Spocks chest, now lowered to the rim of the others pants. He quickly undressed Spock as well, taking in as much sight of the others naked body as he could. The heat was almost unbearable though Jim found himself enjoying the feeling of Spocks hot body to much to notice how dizzy he was feeling. Spock seemed to have noticed though and guided him to the bed, laying him down on soft cool sheets creating a wonderful contrast of impressions.

Spock hold himself up above Jim and they were staring at each others eyes again. It wasn't for long though because Jims body arched up impatiently and their erections pressed against each other. Spocks pupils were big and dark with lust before he shut his eyes due to the wave of pleasure rushing through him. His mouth opened in a silent gasp. Jim wasn't unaffected as well and clenched his fists into the sheets at the friction. Jim propped himself up on his elbows to kiss Spock again and extended his hand to reach for their penises wrapping them in his hands and giving them a few slow strokes. They both hissed in unison and closed their eyes. Jim heard rustling as it was now Spock fisting the fabric beneath them with one hand while the other seeked out Jims free one and touched their fingers together in a Vulcan kiss. "Jim..." He heard the other rasp out and Jim glanced upwards into the eyes of the other again. He saw the green flush on the cheeks of his First Officer and understood immediately. "Ah..!" Spock moaned and with another stroke he came onto Jims hands and stomach, hot liquid spilling over Jim as the other shook in pleasure, biting his lip like before only a thousand times hotter. Jim was so absorbed and fascinated by the other breaking apart in front of his eyes that he stopped the movement of his hand, preventing himself from coming as well, but nothing changed the fact that he was still close. Spock fell forward, only barely able to hold himself up at the moment, burying his face into the crook of Jims neck. Hot breaths ghosted over Jims skin and he inhaled sharply for what felt like the millionth time this day. He heard and felt Spocks breath and it kept him lingering on the edge so close that it hurt.

After the others breath had eased at least a little bit he felt Spock kissing his neck like before, almost alarmed that the other had found one of his weak-spots so quickly. "Ah..." He breathed into the others hot skin and his First Officer retreated from him after biting down at a particularly dark bruise on his neck again. It made Jim gasp and loose his hold on their erections, Spocks now slowly softening. He closed his eyes while pleasure roamed his body and as Jim opened his eyes again Spock had lowered his head to kiss his way down to Jims groin. He licked his own semen off of him, swallowing occasionally making Jims toes curl as he watched the others movements and felt the jolts of arousal his kisses send through him. Spock trailed his tongue lower and teased the head of Jims penis with a testing lick before taking it slowly into his mouth. Jim was startled by the sensation and absolutely shocked by the sight he had before him. He panted heavily as Spock roamed his hands over his chest until they also found their way around Jims cock, making his head fall back into the sheets. "Spock!" He cried out and his hands found their way to the others body again, one massaging his scalp and the other holding on to Spocks shoulder as he bobbed his head up and down on Jims hard length. Jim was about to climax and so close to the edge he almost couldn't get himself to warn the other. "I'm going to-" He bid out between gasps trying to pull the other away, but Spock pushed his mouth down harder, taking Jim as far into his mouth as possible and Jim came with a shout, his mind blank from anything but pleasure and one word. "Spock!"

For a while the sound of panting was all that filled the room while Jim recovered from his orgasm and Spock tried to catch his breath from the task he had just finished. Jim pulled Spock up to eye-level as soon as he found the strength to do so and kissed him slowly and affectionately. He tasted himself on that mouth and shuddered as the other pulled him into an embrace. They fell to their sides, exhausted and happy. Jim kissed Spocks neck as the other had did to him, before travelling slightly higher to kiss the shell of Spocks ear. A smile spreading on his face as he noticed the goosebumps it brought to the skin of his First Officer. Spock reached out to free the blanket from beneath them and soon after he had it cover them both. Jim leaned back slightly so that they could look at each other again and felt his heartbeat quicken as he saw the affection in Spocks eyes. One hand of Jim found its way to the others face and lazely caressed his cheek. He found it very difficult to keep his eyes open for sleep was clawing at him. He searched the face of the other for any trace of weariness but remembered seconds later that Vulcans did not require as much sleep as humans. He asked tiredly. "Will you be here when I wake up?"

Jim saw the faintest of smiles on the others face and saw Spock reaching for his hand to take it into his own. Spock brought it to his mouth kissing it in a very human gesture, before extending his index and middle finger to brush against Jims in a Vulcan kiss, whispering. "I will be here, t'hy'la." Jim felt pure happiness as he drifted into sleep, and made a mental note to ask Spock about the meaning of this word as soon as he woke up.


End file.
